Moving through Midlife | Habit Stack & Movement Snacks for Midlife Moms, Parenting in Midlife | Fitness over 40

Ep 31: Parenting Tips to Help Your Child Feel Empowered and in Control of their Life with Franki Bagdade

November 29, 2021 Franki Bagade, Author I Love my Kids, but I don't Always Like Them Episode 31
Moving through Midlife | Habit Stack & Movement Snacks for Midlife Moms, Parenting in Midlife | Fitness over 40
Ep 31: Parenting Tips to Help Your Child Feel Empowered and in Control of their Life with Franki Bagdade
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Show Notes Transcript

Today I am speaking with Frankie, she is with Faab parenting, and is an educational consultant. She also recently wrote a book, "I love my kids, but don't always like them" and is here to speak with us about parenting our children in today's age.

Today we discuss children who deal with sensory issues and she also goes into how we can work with our children in regards to the use of cell phones and dealing with anxiety, along with how we can work on helping them navigate some of the things that they are seeing on different social media platforms.

You can find Franki at:
Consulting | Www.faabconsulting.com

on FB: (1) FAAB- Franki's Academic and Behavioral Consulting | Facebook

on IG: Franki Bagade M.Ed-Parenting (@faabparenting) • Instagram photos and videos

and grab her book on amazon: I Love My Kids, But I Don't Always Like Them: Bagdade, Franki: 9781950328895: Amazon.com: Books

Learn more over on our blog: Positive Parenting Tips - Form Fit (formfitnaples.com)

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courtney_formfit

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Welcome to raising healthy humans. I am your host Courtney, a personal trainer and health coach and the founder of formfit. A community where I help busy moms move more. As a busy and sometimes overwhelmed mama three myself, I understand that it can be difficult to find ways to live and raise healthy families. It is my goal to help provide you with the information you need to help raise healthy humans. Today I am speaking with Frankie, she is with bad parenting, and is an educational consultant. She also recently wrote a book called I love my kids, but don't always like them, and is here to speak with us about parenting our children in today's age. So we discuss children who deal with sensory issues, we discuss anxiety. And she also goes into how we can work with our children in regards to the use of cell phones and dealing with anxiety in regards to that, and how we can work on helping them navigate some of the things that they are seeing on different social media platforms. So I hope you enjoy it, I thought she was a wealth of information. also highly recommend you grab her book over on Amazon. And we'll be sure to put those links in the show notes. So I've been lucky. I've had an awesome career. I started out very long time ago at Michigan State I got an elementary education degree, and totally opposite of what it is today. There were no elementary education jobs in Michigan, like hundreds of applicants for one job. And I went to a job fair, and I literally like fell into this amazing opportunity. I saw a sign. And it said Birmingham, Michigan, which was around the corner from where I lived, and I'm like, Oh, I'll go talk to this person. And then ended up being an independent school for kids with learning disabilities, not something I'd ever thought of doing. We just clicked they interviewed me and they said, You know what we're gonna train you. We like your style. And you know, we're gonna train you, and how to teach kids who learn differently, it'll be great. So I got this great job I started there. I ended up going on to get my Master's in special education. I loved working with kids who struggled learning who struggled behaviorally, who struggled socially, so much that I went on and did that. And worked at several private schools, actually, which was really amazing. Because special education law is tricky. And every state in Michigan that's really has its challenges. And in a private school, you are able to just see a kid for who they are and give them what they need, regardless of how it fits into everything else funding and politics and so on. So I worked in classrooms, I then fell into consulting, and got to go into different classrooms and help teachers with tricky cases. I then took a little detour and spent five years on a director team and one of the largest overnight camps in North America. And so I would move for 10 weeks and work at this gorgeous camp in the middle of the woods. And because it was camp, things really were more about social skills and behavior. And I ended up becoming this behavior expert and moving away a bit from like traditional teaching. So in 2019, they had mass layoffs. And I found myself wondering what I wanted to be when I grew up again. So after a lot of soul searching and having coffee with, like anyone I could think of who just was like really interesting, special people in the area of mental health and behavior. I ended up starting my own consulting, business, fab consulting, and I trained teachers and camp staff and para educators and anybody that works with kids and teens, on how to understand behavior, how to speak with kids and teens. And that was amazing. It was around that time I realized how much of what I learned professionally I was putting into my own parenting. And I started to put that into my blog and into my social media presence and realize that people really needed and wanted that. So I feel like there are so many books and great resources still there certainly never enough for having a baby having a toddler getting through all of that. But what happens when they go to school and you all of a sudden I have a school aged child and they're not being invited to birthday parties or they're struggling learning or they don't know how to make a friend. What do you do? then. So that's, that's where things sort of took their own turn. I started having all these awesome parenting groups, and then we hit the pandemic. And, you know, everybody was talking about their pandemic purchases and what they bought for themselves. I bought myself a second master's, and I've almost a almost really close in May, I will be a limited licensed clinical social work and want to make the mental health piece official. And in the middle of all of that I wrote a book. So just, you know, just a few things have not visited at all. No, no, no, I have like lots of spare time. And children at home during that time. i Yeah. And I have three kids. My oldest is in high school, she's going to be 15. Soon. My middle is a middle school, and she will be 13 soon. So about to be the mom of two teens, God help me. And my youngest is nine. Oh, we're right. In line. So tell me about the book that you have written? Yeah, so I really see it as sort of a how to guide right. Um, like I said, I feel there's this missing in the parenting world, this missing piece of school aged kids. And what you do if your child is struggling socially, is struggling with what you think are age expected expectations? What if you have more than one child? And you're realizing they need two different parents, right? Like, I mean, like me, I have to meet two different parents. How do you manage that? So it's, it's really a how to book I think it's written for anybody who has a kid who's a challenge at any moment. Certainly, I have this background and kids who are in the special education system, or who have disability, or need extra support. But when I worked at a camp, we had all this amazing international staff, and my staff from the UK taught me this term I loved called extra needs or additional needs. And I thought it was perfect at any moment in the parenting journey. And you, I'm sure have noticed this with three kids, you have one that's taking up like most of the parenting energy, you could call a phase, you could call it whatever. Sometimes you have that one kid, and they're kind of consistently in that moment. And sometimes they take turns, and you're just struggling. So it's really everything I learned professionally, and how to Now sit down with my kids, see them as somewhat of the expert in their own behavior and their own struggles, and work things through with them to make things better for all of us. Is it specifically for children with behavioral issues? Or is it for all children? I really think it's for anybody raising kids. I also have spent years and the early childhood classrooms consulting. So certainly, there are going to be pieces that would resonate with you if you have younger children two and three. But the need I was trying to fulfill was that school aged child, you know, entering Kenyan kindergarten till two are younger teens, and how you're approaching that. I think there's something in there for everyone. Okay. And explain how you came up with the title of the book, because I think that it has a lot to do with so many of us moms, we love our children. But we're not willing to say how we honestly feel at times when frustration occurs. And I think a lot of us feel guilt. Because of the way we feel. So I love that you just put it out there. Tell us what is the title of your book, the title of my book, do to do, I love my kids, but I don't always like them. And the title is incredibly important to them. So when I went through the publishing experience, and I pitched it to a book agent, who then pushed pitched it to publishers, it's gone through so many edits and changes, but the title I would not touch. We talked about the subtitle and what went on the back of the book, but the title was really important to me. And I really want parents to know if I'm sending care, okay, 20 years plus career, working with kids going to have a second master's Any moment now about human behavior and working with kids and I feel this way, then certainly everyone can and should and will feel this way. And I wanted to normalize that. That was so important to me. I've listened to so many parenting podcasts and follow a lot of parenting Instagram pages, and even the largest, the biggest of experts, the ones who you know have those 10 million followers if you Listen to their language when they start complaining about being a mom, or complaining about their kids. It's Oh, but but I love them. I mean, I love them to death. No, I mess with them, but they're driving me crazy. They apologize so often for feeling that way. I even do it in the book title, like I started with, I love my kids. Right? Right. Um, and if I even do it right there, so it's just validating it, it's okay. I think just knowing that lets us put that guilt aside and then get to work, what's not working, let's make it better for ourselves. Right? It is, we feel guilty for feeling that way. But these are human beings. These are people as well. And they're, we're not always going to be thinking like they are, especially when they're young. And they're maybe not processing quite likely. Right? Give me a little synopsis of what the book is about. Yeah. So it goes through my parenting journey, and also what I've learned in my career. So it's written in little vignettes with a lot of stories. And they're somewhat fables, I guess you could call them. So I took all of these kids and teens I've worked with throughout the years in order to protect their stories and their identities, but also share what I've learned, I've mushed them together. So one story may really be about 12 kids I've worked with throughout my career. And each each chapter has several stories in it to illustrate examples of how you would use the techniques. The first chapter, the introduction, at the very end, will give you a how to of how to read the book. Because I think that's really important. First of all, you can see like how skinny it is. And that was a battle too, because it's not a typical length of a nonfiction book. But if I pick a book up a book that's any bigger than this as a parent, like it goes back down on the shelf, or like back in my Amazon cart, whatever. I'm not going to do that because there is no time. Right? Right. So not only is it short and readable and has lots of humor in it to keep you interested. But you don't have to read the whole thing. So once you get through the introduction, it tells you you know which chapters, you know, the first one I think is really important, but then you can go through and look at the titles and see what applies to you. There are specific chapters about specific struggle struggles. So there is a chapter on sensory sensitivities, which is getting a lot of press right now, but not nearly enough. It's something we're just starting to understand and the field of human development and education. Some kids have diagnoses in which they have sensory needs, like sensory processing disorder, autism spectrum disorder, but really, we all have things we're sensitive to in our environment, you know, sound, smell, touch, etc. But some children really get mischaracterize a stubborn, and really, they have low tolerance. So that's addressed, ADHD is addressed, anxiety is addressed. And I really see these as the three categories I see the most extra needs in my professional career. And even children who will never fit a box, in a box of you know, a label or diagnosis may have some of these characteristics. So the techniques are still helpful. And then there's general things like how to set expectations for your children of what you expect of their behavior. How do you figure out what your expectations should be? It's not just like, well, they're five this is, what five year olds? Do you have an individual kid, they're going to be different than anyone else? What should your five year old do? And then something really special that I'm really proud of in the book is at the end of each chapter here, you'll see this box and it's their key takeaways. So if it's taking you six months to read one chapter, and hey, that may happen and all of a sudden you get to the end and you're not sure if you remember the beginning. There's the highlight for you. Okay, I read this I laughed, I cried. It was so great, but what do I do with it? So that's really important to me is a busy working mom, if I'm going to spend any of my time you know, listening to a podcast, reading a book, even like scrolling on Instagram, I want to take away I want to know what I can do to improve things in my home immediately in regards to going back to the individuals and what they may be dealing with, speak into this sensory issues in regards to maybe not on any they have not been diagnosed or anything but you're seeing a lot of signs, maybe some of the clubs They were are causing them problems. Also very sensitive to noises and too much lights, things like that. What? What is that? Do you know? Yeah, so one of the things that I did when I was at this overnight camp is really mandus with some physical tools and some strategy tools. But I created these sensory boxes around our camp, we had like 1000s of acres. So we have these boxes, and they had fidgets in them, and they had all kinds of sensory tools. And one of the things that I bought were headphones that looked pretty much like these, they are actually construction headphones are the ones you might see your landscaper wear when they're mowing the lawn. And they do a great job blacking out noise. And I and intentionally originally bought those for our children in our inclusion program who many times were diagnosed as being on the autism spectrum, or had a sensory processing, processing disorder. But all of a sudden, I found they were missing all the time, because lots of kids really wanted them. So when you're in this intense social environments, even school, think a school assembly, or a school pep rally, and all of a sudden, there's just so much going on, you could put something like headphones in and you take a little break, and you don't have to even remove yourself from the situation. So I think that's really helpful when we're feeling high stress. When we're stressed, whether it is stress, or more chemical and anxiety, our tolerance level goes down. So you may even have a sensory sensitivity some of the time. So tools can really help with that. fidgets have become like very mainstream these days, which is awesome, because there's really no stigma attached to having them. And we know that kids who like who crave movement will sometimes be able to calm their body by playing with something in their hands, and they can do it quietly in the classroom. So that's amazing. There was when the fidget spinners came out, and they were all the rage about. I'm going to say like four years ago, maybe five years ago, there was all this press about fidget spinners being banned in schools because teachers started to find them disruptive. And one of my favorite campers of all time to be No, it's about some time those regular it's about time the regular kids screwed up some things for the special needs kids. And like, it's like one of my favorite one liners of all time. So yes, like, you might have to have some rules in your class about using them appropriately. But there's a lot of tools. So what is it like? Why are we seeing it more? It's always the question when something starts to be diagnosed more, we went through this. Lots of discussion probably in the last 1015 years with autism and with ADHD. Is it that we know more about it? Is it happening more? I would say maybe both. But certainly, we have so much more awareness. I read an article last night, it was actually a journal article, like many years of research went into it. And there's so much talk out there that we're over diagnosing ADHD, maybe we're Miss diagnosing it. But actually, there's a lot of really good data that we're also under diagnosing it. And certain types of personalities like some quiet children and quiet adults who are Quietly Struggling with focus. So what is sensory sensitivities? I think these things have always been around, I have always had lots of preferences about the weight of my blanket when I sleep, I now understand it in a different way than I would have. Before I was educated in sensory needs. We've always had extremely picky eaters, we've always had children who are really, really picky about the tags and their clothes. And I think now we have the language and the data and the strategies to back it up and explain it and therefore accommodate it better. Okay, before children, how can we work with children? Very difficult to be in very loud places. And it's dark, and there's a lot of light and a lot of noise going on at the same time. How can we work with children? I know you said to put the like headphones on or something. Is there anything else that we can do to be more? I don't want to say accepting but you know, it changes how the family has to do certain things or things we can't participate in because of yes, yeah, absolutely. He does. And there, that's really a theme in the book, too, is we all, you know, live, live together as a family and it does impact everyone. But that's that doesn't have to be negative. So there's a few different things. There are crucial in the approach to like highly sensitive humans, children, and, you know, adults and you know, sensory sensitivities. So the first line of defense, I would say is accommodations, right headphones, some children don't want to wear headphones, they feel a little bit too, like they stand out too much. So there are so many types of earplugs. I know, because I bought every kind, okay, on Amazon, literally, because my middle child has always had lots of sensory needs. And she we've really worked together and she knows what she needs. And we experiment. So there's all different types, they even have noise cancelling. Earplugs now, which really like, no one can see. So that's a step. You know, wearing sunglasses, even a dimly lit space, because you're sensitive to light, all of those things can work. But it's also important to build up their tolerance, right? Sometimes you end up with the best laid plans somewhere, and you don't have all your tools with you, but you want to see it through, like, maybe you're in a show, and there's just, you're at a musical and there's one dance performance and it with lots of lights, and it's gonna it's gonna be overseen, you don't want to miss the rest of it. Right? So it's really helping children to build up tolerance. And so the very intentionally expose them in small amounts, tell them what you're doing and how you're doing it. Practice. Okay, this is making me feel anxious. What are the best strategies for me when I feel anxious, right, and it's not a one size fits all. If I Googled right now, you know, anxiety strategies for kids, I would come up with 1000s of websites, most of them very reputable. Um, so maybe not. And it's important to spend some time when they're calm, trying these things out and feeling out what feels like a good fit in terms of how it changes the family dynamic. It absolutely does, but can be such a beautiful family moment, because that's what humans do. We accommodate each other. It's okay, if one of my children really doesn't like loud noises. So we choose quieter things as a family. But also during one on one time, I make sure to do the loud things with my kid who craves the loud things. In the classroom, and education, we spend so much time and so much of our emphasis is on how to help our kids with disabilities fit in. Right? How can we accommodate them so they can be included? But I think it's absolutely appropriate and a beautiful thing if it class sometimes bends to them. So when I go into an early childhood classroom when I go into like a second grade classroom, and I meet with a teacher who plays music a lot, and I realized that it's creating meltdowns for a child, can they reduce music for the whole class? Sure, because you know why it's gonna help five other kids that aren't going to speak up about it. And can that child also learn to tolerate some music? Yes, it's both. So I feel it's that way in families as well. Okay. In regards to anxiety, you mentioned anxiety in there as well. Do you have any tips or things that parents can start to do, especially with everything that has happened? The past couple of years, I feel like children are much more anxious than before. I think some of it is how we are processing the information as well. Do you have anything to help with that? Yeah, absolutely. So anxiety, like so many other things we're talking about is it's on a spectrum, right? All of us have some anxiety, and that's really healthy. We need that it's an important trait. And then some of us end up with clinical anxiety, maybe a chemical imbalance where everything feels anxiety provoking, or even one particular theme, like a phobia or fear gets in the way of our everyday life. So the first thing as a parent that's really important to me, is just have open communication. So when we started in this pandemic life and we were shut down, I just checked in with my kids a lot. So we'd sit down, we sat down for a lot of family meals, that was an upside and we would sit down I just say like How's everybody feeling? Like doesn't this kind of stink and just saying that is very valid? because we all felt that way. And sometimes no one would share anything in that moment, I would even get some eye rolling. Okay, maybe a lot of eye rolling, because, oh, there's mom using her therapist voice or her teacher voice. But that's okay. Because the fact that I said that communicates to them that I'm open to that conversation when it happens. So it's almost like this invitation. If I asked how they're doing, they know that's now open to them. They don't have to answer it in the moment. And I have very realistic expectations. I expect my kids to look at me and say, Mom, thank you so much for validating my feelings. I want to tell you about everything I feel no, I don't expect that, right. The nine year olds always like, Oh, I'll talk to you about anything, he laughs at my jokes. But I don't expect that if my older kids. So first of all, just you know, validating it, talking about your own feelings and how you're processing and handling them, I think is really important. So I have some, I have a lot of anxieties I struggle with and I'm open about them. So I have some anxieties about driving. I don't like crowded freeways, and I don't like complicated interchanges. And as we discussed, I have a prix driver in my house. So we drove downtown a couple days ago. And you know, I'm driving and I was just like, oh, you know, I hate when I have to do these drives, but I don't want to let it get in the way of me enjoying this musical with you. So this is like how I'm calming myself down. And again, I Rowling, like, I'm not expecting her to thank me for the lesson. But I know that she hears it. And then it becomes okay for her to talk about what makes her anxious, and know that people talk about feelings. So I really think that is the first step. There are so many strategies that you can include, just helping children recognize when they do feel calm. So you know, parents have sort of this love hate relationship, or maybe hate hate was slynn. Like, I will want you know, I can picture myself bent over cutting slime out of my carpet before we sold our last house. But you know, attain safe environment, maybe outside maybe in my unfinished basement, like sensory play, can be very soothing. Watching a favorite show can be very soothing, being in nature, that has been such a big theme, I think during the pandemic, and that's like a wonderful silver lining. Using your senses to actually help you stay calm. So there's a wonderful, like, you know, strategy, which is where you go out and you want to see five things and smell five things. And here are five things and being mindful. So all of those things are helpful. Sometimes we find as parents that we're doing all of that, but we don't see improvement in symptoms, we may actually see kids struggle more. Another part of the book is not being afraid to ask for help. So I am going to be a therapist officially in a few months. And I already see clients as a therapist through an internship. So I shouldn't need another expert, right? No, of course I do. Because my kids aren't going to open up to me like a therapist or even like an educator. So everybody needs outside assistance from time to time and there is a guide in the book of resources like who to go to how to find these people. What's the difference? When you're looking for a mental health professional? There are several degrees out there. I have people send me messages all the time when I want a therapist, but I've never heard of a LPC how is that different than the MSW? There's alphabet soup. So never being afraid to ask for help. When I have parents say, How do I know when my kid needs a therapist? You know what if you're asking me that question, it's not going to hurt like there's not really a downside to having your child have another trusted adult in their life with professional credentials. Sometimes it's very short term. So what I'm seeing right now in the pandemic, and it's going to continue to evolve as a few different things. For some children who already were struggling with some mental health challenges. The slowdown of the pandemic ended up being a gift for them. And without the crowds and the in person school and the social struggles, they actually did better. But then re entry and we're just starting to do that that's different in different communities and states has been very difficult. Some children really struggled with their mental health and isolation and the beginning of the pandemic, but a lot of that lifted as they were able to resume some normal activities. So it can go either way. And then many children all of a sudden seem to develop up new mental health concerns. Now when I do as a mental health professional, when I do a thorough intake, we start to see patterns from when they were younger. But they had some great parenting and support and good, what we call compensatory strategies. Like if they were a really anxious person, but also just a positive person, they were able to sort of work through it themselves. But then this big life event sort of brought it to the surface. And my guess is it would have been brought to the surface eventually anyhow. But this just, you know, made a shine. And we are seeing really, really significant weightless for mental health services for children's in teens, adults as well, but it's really hitting children's and teens. From, you know, more minor, just needing some talk therapy, all the way to lack of bed space and psychiatric hospitals and residential programs for kids who need like some intense help for what's going on right now. When you mentioned how you're anxious yourself, and you just kind of talk through it with your children. Do you feel like that? Because I, myself am anxious, like you and I have a child who has a lot of the thing. I mean, I just I'm like, Oh, my gosh, you're, you're me growing up, you're dealing with the same anxieties that I dealt with, I get concerned about talking too much about my anxiety, for fear that I'm creating thoughts that they never thought to have? Yeah, I, I really understand that concern. Because it's something I've thought through myself, I actually also discuss an anxiety chapter, how to support your kids anxiety and that taken on yourself. Because if you're predisposed to anxiety in any way, diagnosed or not, that's tough. And how to parent anxious child when you're anxious yourself. Definitely, that's something I firsthand experience with. So I think there's a difference between being open and honest and modeling some healthy behaviors, and sort of encouraging unhealthy, anxious habits. So there's definitely this nature versus nurture. Debate, right? It's even in our research, we know that these things run in families, but also is some of it taught through behavior. So if I say to Ruby, my oldest every time if I'm anxious about driving on the freeway, and every time she's like, Mom, I'm going to go to the mall and I say, oh, but don't go on the freeway, you might get really anxious. I've just showed her with my body language and my voice like that it's probably unsafe. And like, I'm being dramatic, but Right, I do that accidentally. I'm a human, right. So it's really checking myself. And if I do that, then repairing it, because I going to screw up constantly. That's in the book, too. But everyone does. That's okay. But if I say to her, if she says, Hey, Mom, I'm going on going to the mall, and I say, Okay, do you know how to get there? How are you gonna get there? And I just check in, I don't say, Oh, are you sure you won't be anxious? You know, maybe she had a bad experience driving now, like the week before, I can just say, Hey, how are you feeling about what happened last week? Do you need anything? Sure. I feel like those are like two really different things. So when I talked to my child about my anxiety, and I said, Hey, like, I hate doing this long drive and makes me anxious. I also like, thought, like, I modeled the self talk. But I know that it's a safe drive. And I know that actually like it. You know, my husband is a transportation engineer, one of the world's greatest ironies. So he actually reads crash data for a living. Oh, no. So we like we chatted about it, but we chatted about how we know actually the freeway is very safe driving. And I'm like, Isn't that funny? How like, anxious minds can really be bullies? And, you know, talk us into these things that aren't true. So I acknowledge that as well. Because, you know, there there is, there is a difference. My father who passed away a long time ago who I you know, love it was was a wonderful nurturing man, also was quite anxious. And I remember very clearly, when I started to drive, if there was a little bit of rain, he'd be like, I don't know if you should drive in the rain. So then I had to work through like, is that actually something I should be scared of? No, that's something he's scared of. Right? So you know, even the good news is even if you do you do that, you can work through it. Right? Um, and I will go back and like, take that take back, but like reframe what I'm saying. So if I do react that way, to Ruby, I would say, hey, you know what I think I just did. I think I just reacted about something that scares me. And you're not, you're actually like such a confident freeway driver. I'm really sorry. Is there anything you want to talk about? Or do you feel good in? Do you know where you're going? Today? You do. Okay, awesome. I trust you have a great time, you know, so you can repair some of those things. So I would hate for us to be so nervous of making the mistake that we don't have the conversations. I talk a lot about parenting mistakes, and the best parents make tons of them, because you're trying to do the right thing, right? You're trying new things all the time and trying to make things as good as they can be in your house. So don't be afraid to make the mistakes. Speaking into parenting mistakes. If I were to think about children going through the different ages, can you give me maybe a parenting mistake at each age and what we can do instead, thinking of a toddler? What are the most common things that you're noticing? So one of my favorite chapters to write was the tantrum chapter. And it's not just for toddlers, I'm telling you, like, we someone lied to me and to you and to everyone. Like when you get past the twos and the threes, they don't stop. Like I have meltdowns. I just don't call me I call them tantrums, right? Like you miss a date. We have like meltdowns. Um, some of my clients, like they'll tell me about like, a bad day. And one of them was like, and then I just exploded? And I'm like, Yes, I love that word like you did you overflowed with emotion, it was an explosion. Right? So first of all, they happen forever. And that's why, you know, there's a whole chapter in here for a book about school aged kids. But let me tell you the most common mistake I see in toddlers, in managing toddler tantrums through like your high school or even your spouse, biggest problem people make during a managing a meltdown is talking too much. So if your child is in that, like acute explosion moment, and you want to then sit down and validate their feelings and give them 25 strategies, like they, they may punch you, you know, they may swear you scream, like it's not gonna go well, they're gonna get louder. At that moment, you just have to give them some space, or even like non verbally handling the thing that you know, is going to calm them down. So if it's a toddler, and maybe their lovey their stuffed animal, you know, if it's your teen, you may hand them a granola bar, because you know, they have to eat or just put food in front of them. Or you mate, you know, literally back away, and I talk about all the different things I've experienced. My middle kid who's the one who, you know, tends to overflow with emotion more, she needs me to leave her alone and remind her to leave me alone, because we don't actually help each other in that moment. And sometimes we both forget. And we fall back into bad habits. And she, you know, we had like a little struggle one day before school a few weeks ago, and she came home and she got off the bus and she walked into my room and she said, You know what I forgot you make everything's worse, when I'm upset. So I'm gonna stop talking to you. And I was like, oh, okay, cool, then I'll remind you, like, whatever, I have a thick skin at this point. And I do it. I really, it's like, we call it like planned ignoring in the education world. It's so cruel. But I give her like a verbal cue when she is just spinning and her thoughts and just so upset, and it's starting to make no sense. I say to her, like, I need you to now like go in your own private space until you're calm down. And if she is stubborn about it, I sometimes just stop talking, they say I'm gonna ignore you. Now. She knows what I'm doing. I'm not mad at her. Like she's not in trouble. But I am pushing her to take that space she needs. So I would say that is like a universal mistake that is made, and also the one that I will still make on occasion. It's just, it's sort of counterintuitive. We want to fix what's going on when we see a child struggling, and that child hurts. It's hard. It's hard. So from everything from my teacher consulting, when I'm working with a parent educator who's working with a child who has all kinds of complex needs, to my own kid to even struggles with our teens. It that's one is really universal. It's not a time for a lot of words. I had a therapist once tell me who I really respect in the field. That no matter the age of your child, when they're in meltdown mode, pretend they're 18 months again, like your like simple phrases and words, you know, oh, you know, you can validate I'm so sorry. You're upset. But we're not talking right now. Some of the amazing social workers I worked with in the camp world, when I got called to a camp cabinet to am because that was one of my roles. I didn't sleep much. And kids were really upset. It was it's 2am. Like, we're going to just sleep now, like, this was not the time, you know, to talk about things. And by the way, by time we hit morning, like there wasn't as much of an issue. So definitely less is more I would say is one of the biggest parenting no no's. A second one, if you want a second one? Sure. And this really reminds me of your question about how do I like openly talk about feelings without projecting them? My child like projecting my anxieties. So when you are working with young kids who have limited language, or an older child who also has limited language due to, you know, a deficit? When you're asking them how they feel, and they don't know how to answer. Sometimes we want to give them suggestions to help move along the conversation. But I've seen kids take any suggestion you say? Because they really don't know, right? What's going on? Are you sad? Yeah, I'm sad. And we want to give them time to struggle in a good way, and figure out what their emotions are. So when I'm problem solving with my own kids, or with any kid, I may say, do want some ideas and give them several suggestions. You may want to use a visual. So if you have a child who melts down a lot, those great charts, like there were T shirts in the 80s. How are you feeling today with all the silly faces, you know, so they remember, all the feelings are awesome. And actually, we're like an emoji world now. So kids understand those. Yeah, um, so I use that a lot in my therapy, like just something visual like that. If you could have any age kid, if you have a kid who frequently melts down, just so they can sort of label what's going on. Giving them some space, and not having them to have an answer right away is okay. Some of our children who just have big emotions, and really are like deep feelers and may also have anxiety or something else going on, they can frustrate it too. They don't always know why they're upset. And they want to give you an answer, because they can tell you want an answer. And they're embarrassed and just upset with themselves. So I've noticed if I push a little bit too fast, they may tell me some the last thing that happened to them, oh, I'm crying because my arm hurts. And I think well, their arm was broken, like three months ago, but I don't think that's what's happening. So it's just, you know, a lot of it is just giving some space, or giving a lot of choices. And that projecting what you think might be happening in the moment. I think in regards to elementary school children, you we probably have touched on a lot of that right with the anxiety, anxiety, and then sensory processing. Thinking about more, maybe like middle school, into high school, with friendships, and then also starting to really pull away from us. Any tips in regards to parenting? How we, I mean, this is a very, for me, this is a struggle. Not that this is my private therapy session, but not Wow. You know, that's cool. You know? We can do that. Yes. So when we're seeing our tweens or pre tweens, right, I feel like all sudden tweens are like happening earlier. Yeah, it could it depending on your child and their level of maturity. So we might see this at 910 11. And then through our teens and our young adults, it is developmentally expected that they start to rely on their friends for advice more than us. So the first step is not to panic. And it's actually sort of a beautiful thing that they feel so connected to other people, and show some strong social skills. But I do want to educate my own kids and the kids I work with, and what should be shared differently. So I'll give you some examples. There's some heavy issues that some of our children will deal with. And the suicide rate in our country is a problem. And suicide ideation is much more common than we think. Gosh, yeah, it's very, but not all of it leads to unsafe behavior. So it there's, you know, it's a spectrum like other things. So if your child's feeling all of a sudden that like themselves are really down. You want them to come to you, or another trusted adult, and that's where we have to let go. I want to be my kids person, right? Like, we want them to come to us with all the most important news We want to be the one who can help them. But the most important thing is that they say safe anyway, that needs to happen. So when my own children have had tough situations, I always take these teachable moments. And we talk about other trusted people in their life. Or when they've shared something with a peer that I think was more of an adult concern, like maybe a mental health concern, we go through all the different people, they can call, and I say to them, okay, there might be times in your life where for whatever reason, and there's so many reasons why I'm not the one you want to go to, like, maybe we had a fight, maybe they're worried about how their sadness will affect me. Oh, some of our kids are protective of us, who is a safe adult, who you feel comfortable with who you know, will support you. And we talk about aunts, and uncles and grandparents, if you're lucky enough to have close family. And then we talk about the family we chose for ourselves, and family, friends, parents, or like a friend's mom. And then we talk about teachers and camp staff and, like, we'll talk as long as we need to until they have a good list. Because I do think that that's where it starts to become dangerous when you think, you know, like I'm having like, I feel different all of a sudden, and I feel like not getting out of bed. Like if they're showing signs of depression, or anxiety or suicide ideation, we want to make sure they're connected to a professional support soon. So I think by giving children the freedom of getting to a trusted adult, and that always us, I think that's really important. How, however, it doesn't mean that you don't talk about how you are also there and saying, you know, we're gonna start doing this firsthand in our house, as my child starts to, you know, go out with people, I don't know, my high school or right, like, if you're at a party, if you're somewhere and you're uncomfortable, and you need to be picked up, but you don't want to talk about it. Like you get that free pass. If you call me say I feel unsafe, I need you to pick me up. And that started for us early because we're living during a pandemic. So I had to do that early. Like if something feels unsafe, pandemic wise, I will pick you up and operate you for going indoors with people when you weren't allowed to. But we also want that open invitation for you know, substance abuse and like anything that makes a child uncomfortable. So I think you can do both, I think you can be open to them talking to anyone they feel as a trusted, and you feel also as a trusted adult, but also being there for them. And just having those conversations like I know this, you're getting so close with so and so like, that's awesome. But I also notice that you like, don't seem like yourself lately. And if they don't want to talk about it just suggest other people for them to talk to, or would you like me to call a therapist, you know, and some kids don't know, even teens, like really what a therapist does, but they may know the social worker in their school, or the guidance counselor. So that's a good way to give them a feeling of what that person may be. And I now have on my caseload, as a therapist, lots of tweens and teens who's who have asked their parents, their parents, like, I don't really know why they want to go to you, but they've asked, so I feel like it, like if I did it, and I applaud that. That's awesome. Yeah. And eventually, I will guide the teen and the parents on how to talk about it together. Because sometimes we just need that third party person, right? Um, but there's a lot of different ways to get help. Okay, with our children, the cell phones, talk to me. And this actually goes back to anxiety a bit. I was listening to something the other day, and they were talking about how children tend to have more anxiety when they're in front of screens. But then they also use that screen to calm themselves down like that is their safety. How do we break this? Yes, I have a lot of thoughts and a lot of struggles in my own house. And we've went through a lot of changes and screen limits and screen approaches, as our lives have changed so much the last few years. So I'm actually working on some writing pieces about this. For some places I freelance based there's been a lot of press about Facebook and Instagram specifically, actually says something about tic tac that was really interesting to their Facebook did their own research about how their app is affecting mental health. And there's been some like leaking of information. It's it's none of it's totally shocking, but it's like we kind of wish we didn't know it's like fairly scary about how it can negatively affect anxiety and body image and whatnot. So there are good sides and tricky sides to media, not just social media, I really want to include YouTube in there, which is sort of social media, but sort of different. And it's very frightening knowing the amount of information at our children's fingertips these days. Okay, so I remember like, as a child of 80s, and 90s, you know, getting out my encyclopedias, and like calling the reference librarian, right, like, it was hard to find research. So, I mean, isn't that a beautiful thing that I can Google something and like, know it right away it is. And so I'm going through this change with my own kids as they get older, where it no longer makes sense to, like, preach abstinence, right. Like, like, there's there's articles out there about how children shouldn't be on social media and to certain ages. I don't think that bears in mind, the different developmental maturity levels of children, right, like, I my oldest did some things in fourth grade that my seventh grader still doesn't have access to. They're just different kids. Okay. And vice versa, my seventh grader had different privileges, I didn't allow my oldest to have that at that age, because, again, like whole chapter in here, parenting different kids differently as important. And by just like making really strict limits on time, I'm not saying you shouldn't limited at all I do, but like really strict limits on time, or just saying like in our house, you're not having a smartphone until high school, which may not be realistic, and they're going to sneak the content somewhere else, you're losing that ability to have these really great conversations and to teach them how to be an educated media consumer. So recently, after all, this research came out. And I started to see a trend in my professional practice, where kids were googling things they were curious about instead of going to a trusted adult, and then getting information they know what to do. I really started to think a lot about YouTube. And the amazing thing about YouTube is you might find like an interview like this and learn something great. When I teach teachers and camp staff, I find I use YouTube clips all the time. During all this virtual learning, I found my kids using YouTube as this educational tool. So I don't want to like Bash YouTube. But also I could decide today to put up a tutorial about how to chop down a tree, because I want to and I saw some guy do it next door, it looked awesome. And he had lots of hits. But I know nothing about chopping down trees. And then if you go and do what I say you're in big trouble. So I told my kids that example. And they thought, you know, and I made it really dramatic. And we laughed. So we talked about how people put themselves out there as experts, and we have to be really educated consumers. One of the rules in my house, and this is a change is there is no longer YouTube allowed on personal devices. So they're not watching it on their phones, or on their iPads. It's being watched on my TV. And I'm not always in the room. But we have like an open concept house and I want to be in earshot of what's happening. Now that's the rule for my middle school and elementary schooler, my high schooler I handle a little differently. Okay, but I also had a conversation with them. What if you do the wrong thing? Like, right? Like, what if it just happens? What if you watch you you see it at a friend's house? What should you do when you see something that you know, just wasn't you weren't ready for? Like, let's talk about it. And you know, you'll get a free pass on that moment, not a lecture, but I want to make sure I can answer your questions. So things like that, like what do you do, I want you to recognize when you're starting to feel bad about yourself, and you can connect it to your social media scrolling patterns, and let's just talk about it and I'm going to be honest about how hard it is for me to put my phone away too. And you know what, they see it right? Right? I'm doing business but whatever. So just sharing how attractive it is to pick it up and a ton and play with your phone and how it may not be healthy and having good conversations about it. Excellent. Thank you so much. Tell me where we can find you. Yeah, and tell me where we can get your book and every day Awesome. Alright, so my book I love my kids but I don't always like them is on Amazon Barnes and Noble. A books Powell books, bookshop, that org which is awesome. And you can find your local bookstore very often on there. It's the way local bookstores and small privately owned bookstores can have a online presence at target so you can find that anywhere. You can find me on Instagram at fab parenting and also family consulting on Facebook. And if you feel like if you're a LinkedIn person, I'm there to Pinterest, so any social media platform and find me in somebody's direct message, I love talking about parenting and answering questions and connecting people to resources. And through fab consulting, I am always launching new parent programs. And like some directed like to teens themselves, so definitely watch and see what I'm up to. There's gonna be a lot of book events soon, and lots of different podcasts. So, so excited to work with you, and I'm meeting all these new people. And it's really fun to just, you know, talk about parenting, that conversation will never be over. No, never. And always something new will be always something Yeah. Is there anything else you'd like to say, you know, even if you're not ready to jump in and purchase the book, come find me on social media. And I really strive to put out lots of free content, you can get a feel for what I offer. If you purchase the book, please leave a review. That's how people shop these days. They want to know the other people also felt good about purchasing the book. So leave a review. Be honest, though, tell me if there's something you think that's missing. I want to know always working on that second, third, fourth book, I have all these ideas bring. So I'm always interested to see what other people are looking for. Thank you so much for taking time out of your day to listen to our podcast. I hope you enjoyed the time that I had with Frankie in regards to parenting our children. And I want you to know that you can find all of her information in the show notes, make sure to go and connect with her and check out her book over on Amazon. Also, we would love to have you in our forums at mom community, where we will be continuing the conversation over there in regards to things that you might be dealing with in your own household and how we can work through some of our parenting concerns during this crazy time. I hope you all have a wonderful day and just make sure to keep moving. Thank you so much for joining us today. If you could do me a favor. If you like what you hear. Could you leave us a review or take a screenshot and share your favorite takeaway on social media. And make sure to tag us over at raising underscore healthy humans. Now go out and enjoy more movement throughout your day.