Ep 30: Ways to help you raise mannerly children in modern times with Dawn Jumper

Dawn Jumper is a Manners Coach who specializes in helping moms raise confident, kind and considerate kids.

Today she will be discussing with us ideas on manners for eating at the table, manners when it comes to cell phone use, and foundational manners all children should have by Fifth Grade.

You can find Dawn at:
www.dawnjumper.com
on Facebook at:
Dawn Jumper: manners-confidence-consideration | Facebook
on Instagram at:
Dawn Jumper (@dawnjumpermanners) • Instagram photos and videos

or head to:
www.dawnjumper.com/raisinghealthyhumans
helpful resources on the topics and a coupon code to save $10 on the Family Table Manners Boot Camp online program.

Read the blog: Health and wellness blog - Form Fit (formfitnaples.com)

Transcript

Unknown: 0:00

I am a Modern Manners coach. But I specialize in helping moms raise confident, kind and considerate kids. Okay, so when I tell people, This is what I do for a living, you know, they get a puzzled look. And they say, How in the world do you do that? So that's probably what you're wondering. And so I do this in three ways. And the first is that I offer educational programs here in my community for young people, all under the big umbrella of good manners. I started this business in 2010, I was reading an article in the newspaper. And the article quoted these statistics from high level business executives. One of them reported, one of the statistics was that 85% of these executives believed that having polished social skills was as important or more important than having the right degree. Well, that caught my eye. The other statistic was that they believe that most of their junior employees didn't have these needed skills. Okay, don't have the needed good manners. Well, I was a busy mom, I had three children. And this got me thinking and wondering, Am I doing the things I need to do here at home to prepare my children for the world. I really wanted to be raising, confident, kind, considerate kids. But you know, I was worried about what I was going to make for dinner, and carpool and laundry and spelling words. So I wondered if there was something in my town that could kind of reinforce or even add to the good manners that I was hoping to teach my children at home. And you know, I didn't find anything. There's nothing here in my community to support this quest. So I decided to offer a class myself, I just thought, well, I could I could do this. I found a community center and worked with them to start a class. And for my first class, I called it everyday etiquette. And it was an after school program for elementary students. And I thought, Oh, I might have four, maybe five students register. Do you know I had 21 T students? It was awesome. It was such a great start. So I was off and running after that. So fast forward 11 years, I'm still teaching courses here in my community, for ages Elementary, through high school, in various formats and various settings. And I just love what I do. I, I know is something that's needed. And moms so appreciate the work that I do. And I get to spend my time with, you know, wonderful, energetic, life, joyful, joyful, young people. So that's the first part of my business. And then the second is that I had parents saying things like, would you come eat dinner with us and teach my whole family table manner. And I thought, I don't have time for that I have my own family I'm taking care of or just various bits and pieces of advice that they needed and encouragement. So I started a blog. And then also some online courses, like the my signature course is the family table manners boot camp. And I make I take table manners, and make it fun, simple, enjoyable. Even something that a family can bond over. There's a series of short lessons. It's like we're at the table with with the family while they're eating, actually eating their dinner and practicing what I'm teaching. I'm on video, okay. There's some things fun things like that, where I'm able to kind of help people who aren't in my community help families. And then the third, the third part of my business is that because I love what I do so much, I wanted to share it with other moms. I truly believe that every community needs manners classes for the young people. I mean, it's just this supports the families, busy, families are so busy, they just don't, a lot of things are slipping through the cracks. So So I provide coaching curriculum, all of that for women who would like to do what I do in their towns. Oh, that's great. Yes. So when you said Modern Manners, it made me think of Emily Post. Yes. Like, you know, that's going back. How would you? How do you believe it has changed over time? In regards to some The manners are you like, what are you teaching that might be different from the Emily Post manners? Well, if we are, we're speaking of the original Emily Post, which I actually have her book right that she has one more modern now? Well, she has I think it's her grandchildren are now working in that same line of business. Okay, writing books, and they probably have a blog as well. So, but I'm sure that what her grandchildren are teaching has been tweaked a little bit over the years since their grandmother wrote the original etiquette book. And what I would say is that the, the underlying foundation of good manners is still there, that will never change. And that is that if you are kind and you're considerate, then then that's going to go a long way. Right? And that's really at the heart of good manners. Now, etiquette, we have the word etiquette, we also have manners, etiquette is more of the rules. Okay, like, if I meet the Queen of England, you know, what am I expected to do? How do I What do I do? So it's more of the do's and don'ts and rules. Okay, good manners is actually the behaviors and really the warmth and the the sprinkles that we add on to the etiquette. Okay, okay. And so, yes, etiquette is good. But, and we all need to know those foundational rules, because they're like traffic laws, right? If I tell my students, if, if we didn't have stop signs, and in laws about how we drive, then it would be pure chaos. And that's how we need to think about etiquette as well. It just gives us some good boundaries, right? In life. Plus, I believe that children, they want to know how to behave, they want to know what to do, because that makes them feel confident and prepared. So as parents and as, as Modern Manners coaches, that's our job is to help them to develop that confidence. So, yes, maybe some of the actual manners or actions have changed, since Emily posts wrote her original etiquette book. But really, the foundational parts of it hasn't. Okay, perfect. I noticed on your site that you mentioned something about what all children need to be able to master by fifth grade, can you provide with us with some of that information? There are foundational manners that I believe every child should master? Before fifth grade? Okay. And if, if you're a parent listening to this, and you have an older child, just think through these and and kind of decide, is this something that my, my older child does have an understanding of? Are they proficient in this? And if not, you know, let's do something about it. We can we can take care of that. In today's digital world. I think that even the most children who are under I'll say fifth grade, and under, most of them don't have their own cell phone, but they have screens. Yes. So in my classes for elementary students, we talk a lot about screen manners, because most of them have iPads or they might even have a family phone that they can have access to. And so just some foundational screen manners are very important. And I have resources for that, or we can talk more about that in a minute if you like. Secondly, I think it's very important to have an understanding of table manners, just a basic understanding of what's were on the table. And you know, do's and don'ts, simple things, but that are confident building confidence building, think about how many special and important events take place in our lives over meals, right interviews, first dates, social occasion celebrations, interviews, business interviews, so that's an important one to master as well. Number three, I would say knowing how to introduce yourself and within that I like to layer in being an include her okay, because if a child is an include her and they see someone in a situation, let's say a new student in their classroom, you they don't know It has to do with leadership and being confident in saying, Hi, we haven't met before. My name is Suzanne, what's your name? Right? That's always impressive. And it's so needed in our culture to be an include are. So basics of introductions. And being an occluder. Numbers, I also say respect respect for adults, because that really translates over into respect for anybody that you're meeting. So I like to emphasize in the elementary ages, how do we show respect for others? And that's by using knowing and using adult titles. Speaking in complete sentences, avoiding the use of junk words, which we all do, and it's okay to do that a little bit. But if we use too many junk words, not a good thing, and really understanding the importance of what I call power words, which us moms might remember as magic words, which are the basics, please. Thank you. Pardon me, and you're welcome. Okay. So those are some good foundational manners, oh, also learning to speak in complete sentences and make conversation having that confidence that if if a child is in a car with an adult, maybe they got picked up from a birthday party, being able to create conversation and ask some good questions, answering in complete sentences, that type of thing. Those are great. All of those are great things to be able to go over. In regards to table manners. Can you give us one or two things that you go over in regards to that? Yes, yes. I know you are a believer in the importance of the family dining table and sharing meals together, which can feel daunting. When you're a busy mom, I remember those days. And I coach. I coach moms to remember that. A meal, it doesn't have to be a big meal, it doesn't have to be dinner. Right? We can we can we can have a meaningful time together over breakfast, or a bowl of cereal, or maybe everybody's in scattered all night at practices and such. And it's going to be sitting down and having a bowl of ice cream together in the kitchen. So I think that we need to just remember how important it is to all sit down and enjoy a meal or a food it's basically the time together. Yes, the time together. And so much learning can take place. They're not just about table manners, but just about you know, social, social manners and respect and kindness and consideration. Table manners. I would say that the most important things to teach your children are number one, and these are so basic napkin manners, okay, commanders that every meal requires a napkin and the do's and don'ts of napkin manners. Number two is the utensils fork knife, where they go on the table, what to do with them between bites, you know, the resting position, the unfinished position of the silverware, silverware. Also, how to set a table just the very basics of how to set a table because we want table manners to be so instilled and ingrained in our children, that when they go for a job interview over lunch, they don't have to think about what do I do with my fork and my napkin? And where does my where's my glass going? What's a bread plate? What do I do with this, we want them to be confident prepared. And that's just their good everyday habits. So that really is the goal of our table manners, learning. So napkins, utensils. Number three, I think is very important is just how to be a good, a good guest at the table. Right? And that goes back to what we talked about earlier, creating conversation and being being a polite dining partner, which that's a challenge when your children are young, but it's certainly something to work on. The other are just basic do's and don'ts such as how to excuse yourself from the table. screens at the table, the rules around that and where your beverage goes the bread play all of those kind of finer points you can add on as your children get older. Okay, perfect. I noticed as you were saying that I thought in regards to where you place your force and nice, like when you're eating and then what you do with it to kind of let people know you're finished. And I thought to myself, like, I do that, but I don't, I don't remember being taught that. And I don't see my children doing that. So I was like, oh my goodness, that's I didn't even realize that that was a manner that I should be providing them. But it's true. Like, I have instinctually. Done that probably was taught by my mother, because my mother's very proper. So I was probably taught along the way, I just don't remember being taught. And that makes it clear that I need to make sure my children understand those manners as well. Yes, yes. And it can be fun. You know, I call them this the the silent signals of silverware, you know, hey, do you know the silent signals? Children are really intrigued by things like that. And they want to know, that's what I find is they understand they know these things are important. And they know that their role is going to get bigger and bigger as they get older, and they want to be prepared and confident. Now, how do you handle it? So I do have 110 year old but then my boys are almost 16 and 14. So how do I start to teach them manners? without them feeling like I'm nitpicking at everything they do? Yes, that's the battle, isn't it? The battle for all of us parents, you know, I do have a few tips and tricks on that. And I'm an empty nester, now my children are grown and off in the work world one is married. So I do I remember those days. And guess what I actually missed them, I truly do miss those days. My first tip would be, try to have a sense of humor about it, right? You can have funny little things that you say like, eye contact is quite an issue right now in our culture. And we all know why. Because we're spending too much time looking at screens rather than looking at each other. So that's a very important social skill to work on with your children, something that I ingrain in all of my teaching all of my manners classes. But you can have a funny little saying, like, remember, my ears only work when you're looking at me, I need to see your eyes or show me those beautiful blue eyes. When you're talking to me little things like that. Or I know you think it's crazy that I want you to know what to do with your knife and fork at the table. But it's in my mom job description. So I have to teach you Come on, let me show you real quickly. Just keeping it as light hearted as you can, but remembering to be consistent. The other is, I think it's great to point out positive behaviors within your daily life that you observe. I'll give you an example. If for instance, you could say, you know, I love how Johnny took a minute to introduce us to his cousin, when we ran into him at the park that was just that was just very, that was very kind of hammer, very considerate. So just, I mean, our kids are seeing so many examples that we don't want them to emulate. So let's make sure that when we do see those good mannerly examples, we point them out to our kids. Okay. And then the last would be the golden rule of parenting. I love this. I wish I knew where I read this. But this is truly the golden rule. And that we need to be the type of person that we hope our children will be someday. Right. And that's a tough thing in our hectic busy world that we're all living in, it's hard for us to remember that we, our children are watching. So if I don't want my children to be yelling in the house, then I shouldn't stand at the bottom of the stairs and yell, hey, you know, time for dinner. Right? I mean, I need to I need to be that that example to them. And I would say that there's many parents that talk with me who say, I really don't know what to teach, you know, they're not confident in their own. In their own social skills are good manners. And that is okay, because there are so many great resources out there. There are good books, there are blogs like mine and courses and such. So first of all, if you need to brush up on your own good manners, and there's many adults who don't understand table manners, you know, we just we just didn't get taught. If we didn't get taught. We can't help it. But there's so many resources out there for us now, right? Yes, that's why I created the family table manners. boot camp, because it feels it feels big. It feels heavy, it feels like it's going to be nagging. And it doesn't have to be that way. Right? Yeah. And when you mentioned our children list, like taking from us, which I know that we all understand that, but I thought it was very, it was something that my children did the other day to us. Just little things, my husband was mentioning how my boys are just constantly nitpicking with each other. And my son looked at my husband and I my oldest and was like, well, look at you and mom, you guys are constantly and I was like, oh, like we're doing it more kind of out of play, and fun. But interesting, are not reading it that way. They weren't, you know, they thought we were like, nitpicking with each other. And I was like, You know what, we need to really change that. Because they're missing. You know, they're missing the fun that we're having within it. Yes. Yeah. Not recognizing that side of it. Right. Yeah. Yeah. So it was interesting when you said that, and when the nice thing is, is once your children get older, they will call you out on all of these things. Absolutely. Yes, they do. They do. We can learn from our children sometimes do can't wait. Yes, they bring out the best in us. And also they bring out you know, they self reflect. Right? Right things that we may need to take care of ourselves. Yeah. Yeah, I love that story. And that makes me think of a point. Sometimes we think that we're as a parent is like, oh, we need to teach them this, we need to work on this. And we need to do this. And there's a lot of stress and anxiety and maybe nagging that comes along with that. But you know, you can bring your children along for the journey, right? Like, cellphone manners is something that we all struggle with. Adults, it is a very tough thing. And so I like that if, if you feel like you need to work on screen manners, or cell phone manners with your children, you can say, hey, we're going to do this as a family. Right? So it's not, I'm teaching you, but I need to work on this too. I realized I'm slipping. Let's all work on it together. Let's set some goals for ourselves. You could do the same with table manners. Or you could do the same with other social skills. Like it's not just you learning I want to also and your dad needs to do so we're going to do it together, it's gonna be fun. We're going to work on it, and all become better people and be more confident and kind and considerate as a family. I think you look at it that way too. Right. In regards to cell phones, what are your thoughts? In regards to manners and cell phones? You mentioned a couple the eye contact and not at the dinner table? Why? Right? You know, it's so goodness, we all feel this, the weight of our screens in our lives. So when I started teaching manners in 2010, I taught that you should never have your table your phone out at the dinner table at the dining table. Never it was a no, no. I would love to still be teaching that. But unfortunately, that's just not the reality of life now. So I have evolved to and I'd love to hear what you think about this into I've evolved into a gold silver and bronze level of screen manners. Okay? Okay, gold. You all back up, you should always be aware I teach children should always be aware of where you are and who you are with related to screens very important. I tell them think about this. I didn't grow up with cell phones. I didn't have a cell phone until I was married and had a baby. So I think about cell phones and screens differently than than a young person does. Right? So they need to be mindful of that. And then they also need to be mindful of where they are. And this is so this is plays into our gold, silver and bronze rules. Gold, never at a ceremony never in a formal setting like a nice restaurant. And I use examples here within my town my children know what the nicer restaurants are and what the more casual restaurants are. Right? So we talk about that where you are who you're with. And, and there are some definitely don'ts. As I said ceremonies, formal settings, when you're with a VIP, you need to think about who you're with your grandmother, you know, your, your your on an interview and just they understand it when you make it very simple for them such As where are you? Who are you with, and then along with that the gold, then you have the silver. You know what I might be at Subway having lunch with my husband, and I might have my cell phone out. However, I'm including him and what I'm doing. Okay, big point for children to understand. I'll have myself on out with my husband and many we're looking at movie times together. I'm not doing something without him on my phone. children understand this point. And that's that when someone is on a screen, and they're not involving you, it can feel like they're whispering. Right? We have no idea what they're doing on their screen. And we know whispering is rude, right? So we can make that analogy with young people. But so they're again, I'm with my husband, I'm in a more casual setting, and I'm involving him in what I'm doing. Or maybe I'm showing pictures of what something pictures I took of the dog that day or so if we're involving our, with friends we're involving, and we're telling them what we're doing. Maybe you have to take a text message you're waiting to hear from your mom. So you say, Oh, this is my mom, I need to text her back. They're not wondering what is he doing on his phone? Right? We should never allow people to feel like our screen is more important than they are. We have all felt that way at times in our lives. No matter our age. Right? Yeah. So gold, silver, bronze. Let's like take a quick look at Bronze bronze is when you are just hanging out with your friends. You're on the couch, and you're playing Nintendo together. Or maybe your Minecraft is so popular now. But your friend is playing you're playing nobody feels left out. Okay. That's so gold, silver bronze, I would love to say that we should always adhere to gold. But it just isn't practical anymore in our society. Right. And phones aren't just phones. No, no. Yeah, I know. And that when you said the gold, like when you're going out for an important dinner or with an important person, I'm thinking to myself, our phones are our cameras as well. So how do you differentiate between, you know, getting it out and taking pictures and things like that with? Well, there truly are settings that you would not do that in which I know you understand. But when people often don't? Yeah, yeah, it's quite an issue at wedding ceremonies right now is that photographers are having a problem with wedding guests getting out their phones during the ceremony and taking pictures. So you have flashes going off in a hearing with the photographer's equipment. You also might have that corner of the cell phone camera showing up in his shot that he's trying to get of the bride. So there is a gold standard. And I didn't even think about all of that. Because I'm thinking yes, if that was what I originally thought when you said ceremonies I was like, oh at a wedding. Like if you're wanting to take a picture, but you're correct that you're affecting and also thinking about when our children are at events, and they're doing like performances on stage, the lack of manners that parents have in regards to other parents, where everybody's got their phones up recording, and no one behind you can see Oh, because you've got your phone in the way. Yeah, no, it's it's a societal thing that we've gotten. It is. It is yes. The number one complaint about manners related complaint in our society today. It has to do with cellphone manners. Yeah. Or lack of cell phone manners. Yeah, yep. Now when you mentioned the bronze, I loved how you said it's like they're whispering because I'm thinking about when my children are at home. And everybody is on their cell phone. And the TV will be on one child be watching the TV the other two are watching what they want to watch. i There are many times I will walk into the room and I will make a comment that why don't we put something on the TV we all can enjoy watching. And my children will say what difference does it make? I'm watching what I want to watch here. The other one will say the same thing. She's watching what she wants to watch on the TV. But you're saying the whispering that hits home that's something they'll understand with me when I say well, it's like you two are in the corner whispering about something that we don't know about. I Love that I love that example because it helps drive home. How I'm feeling without realizing that that's what I was feeling. Yes. And they are most likely feeling that way at times too in other situations, your children share with me. I mean, they, they feel it and we discuss, what does it feel like when you're with someone who is focused on you? They're paying attention. They're asking good questions. What does that feel like? And they're like, oh, yeah, I love that. And they'll think of a certain friend or a cousin or an aunt or uncle who, and hopefully a parent does that, right. So we all know, we know from a young age, how good it feels when somebody is participating with you focused and interested in you. And we know what the opposite feels like as well. So if you can just touch on that with our, with your children that they understand. And you have the same feelings to as a mom. Right. Excellent. Thank you. The one question in regards to manners around different family members. So how do you start to work with your children? Our household has different manners than grandmother's household? Is there anything that we can relate to our children? So they kind of understand expectations? And how they may differ at different places? Huh? Yes, I that is how the world works, isn't it? Yes, really is I mean, that's just that's what you're teaching them in the home is that we all need to be mindful of who we're with. And where we are, into going into same same guidelines that we would use for screen manners really apply to everything in life, don't they all of our behaviors, is knowing who you're with, and where you are. And it's okay that there's some different expectations that grandmother's house than at your status fine. Children are smart, right? As long as you help them to understand that, that's great. And I think that's showing respect for your grandmother. And they understand that, and they adjust to her expectations. So all of this just needs to be grounded in being kind and consider it. I mean, that will take us so far in life on it. And just pausing just pausing and not being in a hurry. I referred to the golden rule of parenting, there's also just the golden rule, which I was discussing with some of my everyday etiquette students yesterday. And that's a big concept for an elementary school student to understand. But I would definitely begin introducing it. Because the golden rule, we want to treat others as we would like to be treated. And boy, won't the world be a better place when we can? And we can further that. And we can all behave in that way. So it's perfectly okay that there's different standards in different places. As long as your standards don't get too far, they all went you always want to be rooted in kindness and consideration. Okay, perfect. Is there anything else that you want to make sure that our listeners know about in regards to manners or, Oh, I would just like all parents to understand that. While yes, this is important, important learning for your, for your children. It's all doable. Even though life is busy and hectic and can feel stressful and heavy at times. We as parents are changemakers. Like if we don't like what we're seeing in the culture, we as parents, it's our job to start turning things around. We're raising the next generation. And we can do it, you know, we can do it within our homes. There are so many resources available to parents now. There's great organizations for kids to join. And we're we're not doing it alone, right? There's youth groups, and there's uplifting sports teams for them to be a part of. There's Girl Scouts, Boy Scouts, classes, like what I teach in my community. We can do it, we can do it, we can raise our children to be confident, kind and considerate. I'm here to help. I'm going to have a resource page on my website just for your listeners. So the topics that we talked about today all I'll just list some helpful. Some helpful resources for your listeners. There. I'll put it on my website at dawn jumper.com backslash raising healthy humans, okay. And that's perfect. I have some things there that that can be helpful and, and also your listeners are welcome to reach out by by email. I have a contact form on my website as well. Okay, and you mentioned the class that you offer the information online in regards to table manners. Yes, of course, it is a course. Okay, and I'll provide a link a link there and, you know, it might be fun. How about if I pull out one or two lessons and include those there for free? Just, you know, give you a couple a couple lessons that you can try out at home and have some fun with at the at the family table. Okay, that'd be perfect. Yeah, thank you for that. Alright, so where else can everybody find you? You said Dawn jumper Dawn jumper.com. Dawn jumper.com. It's di W N Dawn jumper.com. And I have of course Instagram and Facebook as well. And that's Dawn jumper manners. Manners. Yeah. Okay.